How to Tell If Your Partner Has an Avoidant Attachment Style
Do you ever feel like your partner is keeping you at arm’s length? Do they shut down when things get complicated or emotional? If their behaviors leave you feeling confused or wondering what you did wrong, there may be an underlying cause that explains a lot.
Understanding attachment styles can help make sense of these patterns of connecting in relationships. An avoidant attachment style, in particular, can create distance even when both partners are searching for closeness. Recognizing the signs can help you understand your partner better and decide the most productive way forward.
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
Attachment styles develop early on during our childhood years. Avoidant attachment develops when emotional needs are inconsistently met or being vulnerable leads to some form of rejection, primarily by a caregiver.
As adults, people with this attachment style often value their independence and feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. Their behaviors are meant to protect them from getting hurt or being rejected. Unfortunately, it often comes at the expense of unintentionally hurting their partner.
Common Signs Your Partner Has an Avoidant Attachment Style
Recognizing avoidant attachment can help you understand behaviors that might otherwise feel confusing or hurtful. Patterns to watch for include:
Struggling with emotional conversations: When you attempt to have an open conversation about feelings or concerns, your partner may change the subject or downplay the situation with jokes.
Needing a lot of personal space: Your partner may frequently need their alone time or become noticeably uncomfortable when you try to get closer to them.
Minimizing your emotions: When you share something that is upsetting to you, their response may be that you’re overreacting or being too sensitive.
Avoiding commitment conversations: Discussions about the future or taking the next steps in your relationship may cause them to shut down or withdraw.
Having difficulty asking for help: Your partner probably prides themself on being self-sufficient and independent. Rarely will they reach out for your support, even when truly needing it.
How Avoidant Attachment Affects Relationships
When one partner has an avoidant attachment style, the relationship might start to feel one-sided. You are putting yourself out there, doing most of the emotional work, initiating conversations about your relationship and its future, and offering support, even when unaccepted. You feel anxious about where you currently stand. Over time, this dynamic can leave you feeling lonely even when you are together.
If an avoidant attachment style is the culprit, it is important to acknowledge that this is a learned pattern of behavior. It isn’t a character flaw or your partner purposefully treating you poorly. Oftentimes, people with this style crave a healthy connection, but simply lack the tools needed to maintain it. With awareness and a willingness to make some changes, these patterns can be corrected.
What You Can Do
If you recognize avoidant attachment patterns in your partner, things you should consider are whether they are aware of their tendencies and if they are willing to work on them. A healthy relationship requires both partners to be vulnerable and show up emotionally.
The goal is not to "fix" your partner, but you can communicate your needs and come up with a solution that feels right for you both. Counseling for couples can provide a safe, structured space where you can explore attachment patterns further and develop healthy ways of connecting. Working with a trained therapist can help you both understand your unique needs and build a stronger foundation together.
If you are struggling with distance in your relationship, couples therapy can help. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and start building a more secure relationship together.